As I have been writing this blog for a few months now, I am trying to focus on everything positive that I have experienced in my life. Sharing with the world some of my accomplishments and heartfelt gratitude has been my goal. Of course my life hasn’t been all milk and honey; peaches and cream; unicorns and pixies… I’ve had some bad moments as well.
Yesterday I lay in bed thinking…
About almost everything wrong that has happened to me or that I’ve done.
I’m not sure if sharing these stories is what I want to do at this point. I’ve touched briefly on a few negative experiences already, but I don’t want to pull myself down that path. My Father’s Day post put me in a bad place for a few days emotionally. I know I should write more about some of my hardships to express the journey I’ve been on and the obstacles I’ve overcome.
All I can tell you is I can’t wear yellow flip flops. I associate them with a horrible experience from when I was about four years of age. I have not worn flip flops since. In fact, a couple of weeks ago I bought myself a pair of blue flip flops. I tried them on in the store while wearing socks and thought nothing of it. I got them home and decided to break them in without socks.
I lasted only a few minutes. The feeling of the foam under my foot coupled with the rubbing of the plastic between my toes made me nauseous. My heart began to beat faster and my mind went to a dark place. A place I associate with yellow flip flops and a forgotten/ blocked out part of my childhood. A story that I have only shared with a couple of people in my life. One that I’m still not ready to share with the world.
This is where my brain went yesterday. It didn’t allow me to get the much needed sleep I wanted. My day turned from happily driving the kids around to tossing and turning wishing the memories to go away. Wishing like hell that it was all ever just a bad dream and not reality. Coping and hiding.
I just want to skip today’s story that ran through my head for hours yesterday.
So I am.