My Mental Alignment is Off

It’s been hard to pinpoint exactly what’s different this year compared to other years.  Usually by now we would have had a fun Halloween out of town followed by a few weeks of calm then preparation for the next big holiday.  Every other year my range of emotions run on full throttle.  Not this year.  This year is out of sync.

Admittedly, around now I’m usually a grump.  My wife and children barely enjoyed my company in the past during this time of year.  Except for our annual trip to California- where I would go full tilt in the other direction and be the greatest husband/father ever.  

Anger and frustration would normally build up in me from late September until late November.  (Minus the two week vacation in the middle.)  But not this year.  This year it didn’t happen.  The anger, the frustration, the vacation, the feeling of relief that I made it through those two months.  Why do I normally go through that range of emotions?  All because of my father.

My father’s birthday happened to be on September 19.  He died November 25th, 2000.  Since his death I have always cycled through memories and emotions over the course of these two months.  But not this year.  This year it didn’t phase me.  This year, the emotional hold my father had on me didn’t appear.  Only now, as my emotional cycle would normally be drawing to an end, do I realize it didn’t happen.  In a strange way, I needed it in the past.  But this year, I’m ok that it didn’t happen.
However, this year feels like it’s just slipping away from me.  The last few weeks remain.  Decorations need to go up.  Gifts need to be wrapped and given out.  Dinners with family and friends are on the horizon.  In previous years, I’ve been looking forward to it all.  But because of the lack of my negative emotions this year, the positive emotions don’t feel like they will be coming in as strong.

Maybe I needed this break.  Maybe my mind just needed to calm down.  Maybe it’s all for the best.


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