I came home the past couple of days and headed straight to my bedroom… I just needed to be alone. I also wanted to enjoy the sunshine, but not sit outside. I genuinely can’t tell if I want to be alone right now lost in thoughts.
Laying down in a sunbeam warms me up. I don’t want to close the blinds- I want to feel the sun. It makes me feel alive. In fact, I wish for more sun these days. I need it.
Staring out the window at the clouds has me daydreaming of a life I once lived. The moments where I could enjoy myself and not care. These days I care too much. And I hurt too much from thinking too much. The hurt just sits there. Like a pit that I can’t swallow.
So I go to my phone. Facebook shares memories from the past decade or so. Mostly good times and follies of silliness. Again, the life I once lived. That energy is diminishing. The charisma is fading. Just making it through each day is the current sensation.
Not all days will be good. Not all experiences will be memorable. That’s not a bad thing. Just not a good thing. So I sit in my room. Watching the beauty in the world from my window. Not sure how to feel.