Around this time every year, I am not the nicest person. I’m especially shitty towards my family. Unfortunately I usually catch myself after I have said or done something hurtful to them.
I have a tough time on a day like today- which would’ve been my father’s birthday. My crummy behavior sprouts up around this time every year and goes until the end of November.
November 25 is the date to be precise- that was the day my father passed away in 2000. Mentally, every year on that date is like a sigh of relief for me. I suddenly can become whole again.
Even though I am aware and acknowledge my shittiness, I still end up overreacting at some of the simplest things. It’s like a couple months of male PMS and I really hate that I am like this. So if I’m a jerk to you (especially my family) please forgive me. I don’t get seasonal depression. I get seasonal asshole.
Yesterday evening my 15 year old son sent me a text. It was the nicest and most surprising text I have had in quite some time. I was genuinely taken aback by the text.
My son and I talk a lot about Marvel and Star Wars. We try and watch the movies and shows together. It has turned into a great father/son bonding time. But to have him start by asking if I wanted to attend a movie with him and his friend was by far the most loving moment he has shared with me- without knowing it.
I am now seeing a movie on Friday night with a couple of teenage boys. They could’ve easily asked to be dropped off, but I’m glad he chose to ask me along. Things may change over the years, but this Friday I will feel like a superstar. And all it took was my son asking a simple question. My heart swelled up last night when I read the text.
Alrighty then. Since starting the other day with a Fitbit once more- (check out Avoiding 2021) I have been watching how active I am. My daily steps are still a couple thousand shy of the 10,000 that the app recommends. I even get a buzz on my wrist every hour telling me to walk.
That makes me feel a tad bit guilty.
Is that what Fitbit is meant to do? Bring out guilty feelings?
But the app also shows my sleeping habits. Which is Totally Something I Can Get Behind! Honestly- just search up the keywords “Sleep” or “Nap” in my blog and you will find tons of musings about the subject. Now that I have a reason to look at the app, it makes me happy.
I don’t like have a piece of tech telling me I’m not doing something. It pushes my emotions into a downward trend, which I don’t appreciate. It doesn’t motivate me to do more. Quite the opposite. It reminds me why I stopped wearing a Fitbit the first time around.
How do you feel wearing a Fitbit or smart watch that tracks your movement? Perhaps your experience is a positive one. Please share how that works for you.
Sometimes you just need to let out a cry. One of those deep, sobbing, flush your heart of pain kind of cries. During the cry- it sucks. Emotions are suddenly overwhelming every sense in your body.
Afterwards, you feel good- almost empty. And no one hates you for doing it. No one judges you for letting the pain get expelled. We all go through it. Sometimes there is no clear reason as to why the tears kick in. But it happens.
Fighting back the tears doesn’t help. Doing that can make the feelings worse. And sharing why you hurt isn’t always easy. But take solace in knowing you are not alone, even if it feels like it.
Whether you know me personally or through this crazy cyberspace world. I have bad days and need to share sometimes. I also have good days that I keep to myself.
I was being a big baby for a couple of days towards my wife. I was all bitter and angry towards her and it turns out it was mostly just in my head.
I should’ve just talked to her when I had the chance. Instead, I came home after work and kind of blew up at her. Once it was out, I realized I was being kinda dumb.
In hindsight, I should’ve just expressed myself when I was starting to be bothered. I’m lucky that my wife is understanding and we are a really good team. We almost always talk things out. This last time was my bad. I take full responsibility.
Things are back to normal and great again. Silly Josef…
Even the doormat on our side door is feeling the same. But I don’t really want my friends to go away, maybe just leave me a bit of space.
I hate hitting a funk. These moments are poopy. My ways of dealing with it is shutting myself in and sleeping. Or really long walks in the rain. Since there’s no rain- time for an early morning nap. Maybe some tea and a book.
I need to escape these feelings of blah. Thanks for understanding. I’ll return to my upbeat self soon enough.
A good night sleep was really needed. As tough as it is dealing with one’s own emotions, it can be even more difficult dealing with your family’s as well. Thursday and Friday were stressing the limits in our home. But we made it through somehow- without hurt feelings, anger or cruelty. It took strength and time.
I knew yesterday that I would just need to be patient and wait for tomorrow (which is now today). Things are better. Not the best- but better. It makes me able to see an end in sight. The inspiration I get to push through these tough times often comes from movies or songs. Someone, somewhere, shared their heartache with the world through art. It encourages me to know that the struggles aren’t limited to just my life. Last night, the song “Tomorrow” from Annie was going through my mind.
And it worked. The sun is out, I’m alive and awake, and people in the house are smiling a bit more than yesterday.
Cheesy? Maybe. Hopeful? Definitely.
1982’s Annie was an integral part of my life growing up since I saw it in the theater at age 6. Being able to get through the sadness and tribulations of life- all the while remaining positive- is a strong characteristic of mine because of this film. I never thought that over 35 years later it would help me in raising our teenager. But it did.
The last 24 hours has been a bit emotionally rough in our household. There’s something going on with our teenager and she isn’t willing to share. She is creating a struggle in our home with no right way to resolve things. So I’m feeling pretty beat down- and so is my wife. I’m being left with a choice:
I can give up.
I can give in.
Or I can give it all I have.
I’m not sure where I am at currently. My mood is full of curse words and frustration. I’m trying to keep a positive attitude towards life. But at this moment, I feel like I can only think about myself and nobody else. I’m not playing “good cop bad cop” with my wife- that won’t work this time around. I’m also not wanting to say something to our daughter about how she is acting that I may end up regretting later.
So here is today’s Friday blog post- a crappy feeling shared on the World Wide Web. Parenting is tough. Not much more to say about it. I’ll just wait and see how things are tomorrow.
I sometimes forget that I was once young. Not the kind of “forget” like of memories or events- more the forgetting of emotional struggles. Those tend to bubble up when I engage in frustrating talks with my children.
Remembering that my kids/teens have to go through struggles that I went through is challenging. I don’t want to yell, argue or say something to hurt their feelings. Their psyche needs to grow and develop. Remaining calm, cool and collected is the hardest part about parenting.
I don’t want to extinguish my children’s inner light either. Having strong personalities and allowing them to express themselves are great attributes that sometimes come at a price to my mental awareness. The price of having to know when to guide them, when to scold them, and when to let them have control. As long as we talk and discuss feelings, I have found they are more aware of how their actions work. I will always love them, even during difficult times.
Turns out that if I’m feeling down, my wife feels down. We’ve been together for many years now. We share emotions and feelings- oftentimes feeding off one another. I always knew this to be true.
25 years ago I read “The Celestine Prophecy“. I wouldn’t say I’m spiritual or New Age in any form. But this book (and its sequels) made me realize more about human interactions than I thought possible. I’ve lived my life with a knowledge that people feed off one another’s feelings and emotions. Both good and bad. This book is also a part of the reason I want to visit Peru. Maybe I will try and find my own “Spiritual Journey” one day.
Before I go and book a plane ticket, there are plenty of practices I do already that I learned from these books. I try and surround myself with positivity and kindness. My friends are people who bring me joy. At work, I try and keep an upbeat attitude. It usually helps relieve tensions.
With a family of five at home, there have been times that each of us struggle to have control. I hope my children take the time to read these books. It will help build stronger empathetic characteristics in them. They already care about others, but there’s always more that could be done.
After we talked about our feelings, my wife and I are getting back on track. We are setting some lofty goals for the year and finding ways to relax. I love my naps, and she loves her video games. Both are excellent ways to combat those “blah” feelings. Maybe it’s time to re-read the “Celestine Prophecy“.
It’s been hard to pinpoint exactly what’s different this year compared to other years. Usually by now we would have had a fun Halloween out of town followed by a few weeks of calm then preparation for the next big holiday. Every other year my range of emotions run on full throttle. Not this year. This year is out of sync.
Admittedly, around now I’m usually a grump. My wife and children barely enjoyed my company in the past during this time of year. Except for our annual trip to California- where I would go full tilt in the other direction and be the greatest husband/father ever.
Anger and frustration would normally build up in me from late September until late November. (Minus the two week vacation in the middle.) But not this year. This year it didn’t happen. The anger, the frustration, the vacation, the feeling of relief that I made it through those two months. Why do I normally go through that range of emotions? All because of my father.
My father’s birthday happened to be on September 19. He died November 25th, 2000. Since his death I have always cycled through memories and emotions over the course of these two months. But not this year. This year it didn’t phase me. This year, the emotional hold my father had on me didn’t appear. Only now, as my emotional cycle would normally be drawing to an end, do I realize it didn’t happen. In a strange way, I needed it in the past. But this year, I’m ok that it didn’t happen.
However, this year feels like it’s just slipping away from me. The last few weeks remain. Decorations need to go up. Gifts need to be wrapped and given out. Dinners with family and friends are on the horizon. In previous years, I’ve been looking forward to it all. But because of the lack of my negative emotions this year, the positive emotions don’t feel like they will be coming in as strong.
Maybe I needed this break. Maybe my mind just needed to calm down. Maybe it’s all for the best.