Getting Old

I’m rocking this life past my mid forties now. With it comes, well, anguish. Almost daily I discover a new pain. From my back to my shoulders to my elbows. It’s as if my joints are just unhappy and screaming for attention.

But I am also hitting second puberty. You know- where hair grows in new places and disappears from the top of my head. However, I need to keep those hairs at bay. So it was time to get a new trimmer. Yes, this is my second nose and ear hair trimmer in the past decade. Don’t judge me. But I need to learn how to use this trimmer.

Seriously, who decides that the instructions need to be in the smallest writing possible? As if growing ear and nose hair would somehow give me superhuman eyesight. Or perhaps the company is trying to tell me I need glasses. It’s a conspiracy! The nose hair trimmers are in it with the optimists!

Or I can “Be a man” and just use the trimmer without the instructions. Ugh. I hope that I don’t rip the hairs out and it actually cuts. I’ll let you know if I start to look like Edward Scissorhands with scars on my face.

Getting old is a pain. But I’ll try and do it gracefully and not share any more of how I get there.

Deteriorating Joe

I know I was complaining yesterday about my joints and pains. Today I realized I have hit another stage of growing older. And it wasn’t my hearing like I thought it was going to be because of the loud music and my work environment. Nope, it’s my eyesight.

I was unable to read the writing on the yellow part of this label. My wife gave me her reading glasses, and voila- clear as crystal. It’s odd because I could read the part above with a bit of strain, but accurately without hesitation.

Naturally, I went on my phone to search up signs of aging and stuff like that. Here’s what I found:

  • Your Heart Works Harder.
  • Your Skin Feels Different.
  • You Find It Harder to See and Hear.
  • Your Teeth and Gums Change.
  • Your Bones Become More Brittle.
  • Going to the Bathroom.
  • It’s Harder Getting Around or Staying Strong.

I stopped consuming alcohol last August because I could feel my heart working harder than ever. By October I felt normal. But the last month or so I have noticed my heartbeats being erratic once more. And with the aches creeping in more, and today’s realization that my eyesight is going to diminish, I’m feeling a bit down.

I always knew that I’d grow old. That’s just what happens. I’ve already been enjoying trimming nose and ear hairs as I watch my hairline recede. Getting a scratch or bruise? Might as well watch it heal at a snails pace. On normal days where I don’t work nights? Bedtime is before nine pm.

So yeah, my body is getting decrepit. Since the day I was born, it was a downhill slope leading to eventual destruction. Just like everyone else. What to do about it? Besides complaining (which I kind of enjoy) or comparing it to other people’s ailments- I think it’s best to IGNORE it.

I meant, work out. Exercise. Read more. Eat healthier. Look after myself. I kind of like my life and friends and family. It’d be nice to see them for a while longer. Or I can hope that technology catches up soon and I can be part robotic.

Anyhow, maybe next time I get my eyesight checked I’ll look at the possibility of getting reading glasses. Until then- I’ll use the technology available to me now. My iPhone can zoom in on the directions for me. Who needs glasses?

Getting Too Old For This

I thought I was alone in feeling old. In speaking with a couple of buddies yesterday, it turns out we are all feeling our ages.

Late nights don’t happen as much because of early mornings, dealing with teenagers is hair loss inducing, home repairs are getting overwhelming… the list of frustrations is long- and we are all feeling it.

Then there is the body aches and pains. The never-ending complaints about back pain, shoulder pain, muscle aches, odd strains that occur at random. Our bodies aren’t what they used to be.

So we find solace in one another. We are getting too old for this shit. I understand why we all need some “guy time” as well. Beers, campfire, cooking, just hanging out. All of these are a requirement in order to field the complaints. We know that each of us is in a similar boat.

Somehow we keep it together.

I’m pretty sure it’s because of napping.

Feeling Old. Thanks Hair.

Today I felt a bit older than I usually do. Not because of back pain or remembering when the internet became mainstream. I felt old because of my hair.

My wife stopped and asked me if I had scratched my face beside my mouth. Then she looked closer and said, “Nevermind, must’ve been the shadow of your facial hair in your wrinkles.” Ouch lady. Wrinkles?

Afterwards I went to brush my teeth and a hair fell from my head into the sink. Ugh. Time to take closer examination of my head. Ear hair? Check. Nose hair? Check. Wrinkles? Depends on the facial expression. We’ll go with Check. Receding hairline? My forehead definitely looks big- Check. Finally… grey hair? Please say it’s blonde, please say it’s blonde….

Nope. That’s a few strands of grey showing up. Not what I wanted to see.

Or perhaps I should look at the grey as a Silver Lining. A showcase of the life I’ve lived so far. And those wrinkles? That’s from all the smiling I’ve done from years of laughter. Nose hair and ear hair? Ok, those are just gross to see- time to trim. But the rest shouldn’t make me feel old. I should feel accomplished.

And I guess I do. Sometimes it just takes a closer look at one’s life to see past the image of oneself. Thanks hair. You’ve shown me a lot more today than I expected. Now stop falling out.

Pain Pity Party

As I get older, my body hurts more. I don’t like it. It seems that my aches love to travel around my body and change off locations. The pains do not tend occur at the same time.

This morning is lower back pain. Yesterday was my wrists. A few days ago it was my hip. Last week was my tongue. Many other places that I experience pain have been my shoulders and elbows. I worry my joints are developing arthritis. Sometimes I swear I can feel pains in my organs. Advil is my best friend every day.

Maybe these are like growing pains of my youth. Only now they should be called Growing OLD Pains. I want these pains to ease up. I suppose I should just exercise and stretch more, right?

Ugh. That doesn’t sound fun either. I think complaining about it is the best answer. Hashtag sarcasm. Hashtag quit complaining and do something about it.

My Spoon Is Too Big

Some of the most fun in life is to quote things that people don't get. Sometimes a reference is funny and just sounds amusing when said. "My spoon is too big." is one of those phrases. Goes hand-in-hand with "I am a banana."

Or chanting the word "Dick" over and over then shouting "BALLS!" It's from a funny video that I enjoyed laughing at a few years ago.

Or quoting an old Jim Carey film. Some people born pre-1995 get the jokes. While youngins say these things not knowing where the quote is from. Usually they think it's from some YouTube personality.

I know I've said things that I thought were from one comedian, but it was actually from something completely different. "They're all gonna laugh at you!"

This brings me to my last point- I've enjoyed listening to some old comedy albums of the 90's again. Adam Sandler, Dennis Leary, The Jerky Boys… all great at their peak, and some still have a few good jokes or songs that really hit the mark.

Not all of it is funny anymore. Maybe it never was. Maybe my sense of humor is changing. Perhaps I'm getting older. Perhaps I care about clever humor once again.

And poop jokes. Those are funny.

Josef Andrew Havelka Version 1.0

The body of Josef Andrew Havelka V1.0 has been through quite a bit over the years since coming off the assembly line.  Right from the beginning, there were issues with the air intake.  Had this been the dark ages, this model would’ve been destroyed early on. But after a minor repair at age 2, everything seemed to be going ok.


Until the ear infections kicked in resulting in tubes getting installed in the drum assembly to help drain excess fluid.  Then came the allergies and asthma that have lasted most of the lifetime of this 1976 Model Josef.  

A few years ago, there was a procedure implemented in order to prevent spreading of this version into the world.  Three byproducts seemed to be the limit achieved. A slight swelling and uncomfortableness occurred briefly…

Then, some diagnostic tests were performed to see if the possibility of Marfan Syndrome was possible.  As this body has shown many signs of it, the doctors ruled it out at this moment, but have requested a check up every five years.

Recently, there has been a new issue arising. A difficulty when swallowing.  Right above my stomach, it feels like choking. Now I wait for an appointment to have a scope pushed down my throat to check out the esophagus.


There’s still a few more years and miles left on this version of me.  A few nicks and scratches on the outer shell, some loss of hair as well adds to the charm. Growing older and deterioration of the body is to be expected.  Good thing I don’t plan on staying in Josef Andrew Havelka V1.0 once the time comes.


The biggest challenge in life is to avoid death.  Unfortunately there hasn’t been any winners yet in the Live Forever category.  I hope to be the first.  The game is on!

Hair

My wife thinks my eyebrow hairs are too long. She even tried to pluck them out just to irritate me. I don’t notice their length, in fact- I like my blonde eyebrows. Sometimes they have a life of their own. See:


My wife also enjoys making fun of my receding hairline. My thinning hair seems to be her “go-to” insult.  She enjoys pointing it out whenever we do a selfie together.


The little teasing she does really doesn’t bother me. Growing older means dealing with hair issues as it is. One of my favorite Christmas gifts a few years ago was an ear & nose hair trimmer. I know I’m strange. I don’t overly like rogue body hairs. I also shave the few hairs I ever grow on my chest. I like to keep the rest of my body well groomed as well.  Shaving my face is done every couple of days.  But my leg and arm hairs are fairly thin and don’t bother me.

That’s today’s lesson on Joe’s Body Hairs.