My April Fools Joke

With everything going on in the world, it’s good to have some humor once in a while. And with today being April Fool’s Day, what better day to have some laughs? Since the kids are staying home due to the Covid19 epidemic, they have been enjoying not going to school. Time to change that.

I came home after my night shift at about 7am. I promptly went upstairs and woke up our two youngest teens. I told them they were late for school and it was time to get up. Naturally, they weren’t quite believing me as I rushed back down the stairs. A few seconds later, I hurriedly went back to their rooms and told them they had to get going.

My son rolled over in bed and flat out said, “There’s no school dad. Nice try.” My response was, “The school sent an email that it was back on.” And with that statement- it got him out of bed.

I kept them rushing around as I asked what they wanted for breakfast and in their lunches. Then I told them to pack their bags and instruments, because we were late for music class. That got my daughter confused and she rushed back upstairs. She passed my son as he was hurdling back down fully dressed. This must’ve lit a fire in her, because she was dressed and downstairs again within five minutes.

I had their breakfast at the table with a cup of coffee for each of them. I sat down across from them and joined them. That’s when my son asked about his other older sister and I lied saying she had to work and because of that commitment she would miss the first day back to school. My daughter then asked what’s going on. And I said, “It’s April First. You know what that means.”

You could see it click inside. “April Fools. Nice one dad.” And she laughed. My son complained that he should still be in bed for three more hours. At least I know now that the kids can hustle and be ready to leave in ten minutes.

This was a great “Dad Joke” April Fools Day prank.

2020 44

March 15,1976: A self proclaimed hero was born in Halifax Nova Scotia. He came screaming into the world not knowing what was in store for him. Except naps. Lots of naps. Little did he know that his adventures would continue to the other coast of the country.

Here he is, 44 years later. A hero to his family, friends and coworkers. His superpowers include hyper kindness, magnified positivity, ultra attentive listening, and height. All of which he tries to showcase regularly. All of which makes him more than just a man.

He has a loving wife and kids. A good job with good pay. Friends who reach out and show that they care as well. Looking at his life- he should be happy. And he is. Today is his birthday and it marks one more revolution around the sun. One more notch on his superhero belt.

I couldn’t feel super if it wasn’t for everybody in my life. Thank you everyone for always being gracious and fun. that’s the best gift I can get on a daily basis.

Where Are The Words?

There’s nothing worse than trying to get your thoughts out and you stumble upon your words. You just sit there, struggling to say what you need to say. Feeling like your stupidity is exposed.

Then people try and come to your rescue. They try and complete your sentences or thoughts. Sometimes they’re right, most of the time they’re not. But your words just won’t come out, so you accept theirs as the ones you wanted to say.

Afterwards you wonder- what’s wrong with your mind? And is this a regular occurrence? Am I getting stupid as I get older? Are other people really that much smarter than me?

Yes to all.

But that’s okay. Being stupid means that the expectations can be lower. Time to embrace the dumb! You can call me “Slow Joe” from now on.

If Life Seems Jolly Rotten…

There’s something you’ve forgotten.

And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.

I’ve always enjoyed Monty Python since I was a teenager. And ever since then I can remember quoting their songs, tv show bits and movies. What I find beautiful about that style of comedy is that they can make fun of the reality we live in and endure, but bring a smile and laugh to the audience.

Of course some of the songs seem pointless and ridiculous. While others try and cheer you up. Some of the humor pokes fun at the government and that in itself is timeless- “Help! I’m being repressed!

And yeah, lately life has been a bit tough. Lots of stresses being placed on me and the members of my family. From work to school to speed skating and beyond- it’s not always easy to get through each day. But I try. We try. Finding bits of joy and humor helps a lot. Monty Python wit is appreciated.

So remember, when you’re feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere out in space,
‘Cause there’s bugger all down here on Earth!

Renew The DL

It’s almost my birthday and that meant it was time to get my Driver’s License renewed. It’s been five years since the last time. I swear that besides changing my address over the years- since I was 17 none of my vitals have changed. Or at least the Licensing place never changes the height and weight information.

This afternoon I went to the ICBC Driver’s Licensing Center expecting a long wait to get my new photo id. Instead, I was in and out of there so quick that I didn’t have time to get one last picture of my old license. I walked right up to the counter and was quickly ushered to where my picture would be taken and boom I was out the door.

Perhaps getting my new five year picture after a night shift wasn’t the best idea. I saw the black and white photo for a second and it definitely looks like I’m a criminal. But I also realize that my I.D. is rarely pulled out, so who cares what I look like. In fact most people don’t look at the image, just the address.

This is also the first time that I’ve not had to pay extra for any speeding tickets. I’ve been good- I swear. I’ll behave for the next five years too. Really…

The Last Of It…

We have three teenagers in our home. They are witty, intelligent and caring of others. They are also moody, self absorbed and lazy. Not knowing which attribute we will see around the house is a fun game. A game I am not always prepared to play.

The worst part of this game is as a parent, I’ll ask a question of them. A question that I’m not expecting an answer to. More a rhetorical question that I want them to think about. As I grow older I realize that this is a typical “Dad Thing” to do. And my kids do the typical “Teenage Thing” as a response.

Here we see an example of what our kids love to do. They don’t quite use up everything. Just enough that they leave it for someone else to find/replace/change/throw out… a roll of toilet paper with one square… A carton of juice with five drops left… Sour cream with half a spoonful remaining… When I ask, “Who finished…?” I get the usual, “Not Me.” And sometimes, “It’s not empty…”

If I didn’t have to supply nourishment to them, there are some days I’d leave the fridge barren to prove a point. which I am tempted to do this weekend. Leave some lemon juice, a yogurt, pickled pepperoncinis, salad dressings and condiments- see how well they’d survive before asking for real food.

The joys of being a parent to three teenagers brings out my immaturity.

Never Too Serious

I’m a fan of living life for the sheer enjoyment of it. I have never taken myself that seriously. I don’t think anyone else takes me too seriously either. How could you?

Some days I dress based on how I feel. Be it a superhero or a goofball. I don’t think I have one set look. Jeans and a t-shirt is my comfort zone I guess. But I can still dress elegantly when I want.

When I take selfies with friends and family- I bring out some fun in their hearts as well. I love seeing people smile and express a bit more of their crazy side.

Even the few celebrities that I’ve taken pictures with have enjoyed that I don’t need to be uncomfortable or serious. The biggest constant in who I am is that I’m ever changing. Monty Python sang it best:

Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true
You’ll see it’s all a show
Keep ’em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you

Arthur

Sometimes my humor is a bit, how should I say this, bizarre.? Worse yet, it rubs off on people and they run with it.

Meet Arthur: The Office Moth.

He became an office mascot by accident. Back in the summer, we had an infestation of moths at my work. Naturally, I killed a few. But one stayed, um, “stuck” to a whiteboard. He remained there for ages and no one cleaned him off. Instead, a coworker made a Tinder profile for him because he seemed lonely squashed there. Shortly before Christmas, the artwork began.

Arthur became a tree topper for our Christmas tree.

And on New Year’s he celebrated with a party hat and balloons.

My coworkers and I have talked about the next stages of Arthur. How we are looking forward to Valentines Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and evening Easter. (Maybe Arthur can pull a Jesus moment and come back to life!)

But in all seriousness, it has made for some lighthearted jokes around the office. It helps to ease the stress of how crazy work can get.

Oh yeah, he got his name from “The Tick” which is filled with zany adventures which fit perfectly with our Office Moth artwork.

2020

Welp. It’s here. 2020.

The roaring 20’s have begun! I’m excited about this decade and I don’t really know why. But today is starting off sunny compared to the torrential downpour yesterday. So at least that’s a good start. Oh and I’m going to take a nap as well.

Pretty sure the kids will nap as well. They were up all night long watching High School Musical films with their friends.

I’m also impatiently waiting for next year so I can make a bunch of Dad Jokes about 2020. That’s what really matters. Puns and jokes. And maybe less cursing. Those are next year’s resolutions because I forgot to make some for this year.

Are you ready for 2020? What are your aspirations and resolutions?

Christmas Vacation 2019

Today the kids start their winter break away from school. And as we do every year- we start it with a viewing of “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation“. A classic film filled with perfect comedic timing. Also some wicked quotes that you can say and everyone knows where it’s from.

At least our Christmas Vacation is different than what the film portrays.

Today we announced to the kids that they are only going to be allowed thirty minutes each day on their phones. As well, if they want to play video games or watch tv it has be to with at least one other person. They are going to spend quality time together!

If you have kids- I hope that you have a great Christmas Vacation with them. It’s all about those family memories and creating traditions that will last a lifetime.

Morning Poop

I’m writing today’s blog while sitting on the toilet this morning with my phone in my hand. It’s a regular routine. Usually I just scroll through Instagram or play some Sudoku while I wait…

Wait for my morning poop. That regularity which happens every morning after my second cup of coffee. Like a giant weight is lifted to start my day. Usually as I sit here I clear my mind.

A physical and mental emptiness to be filled up with the day’s activities. Coffee makes me more alert and energized as well.

And now it’s time to bring on the day.

One Week Remains

It’s getting down to crunch time! Only one shopping week remains to get that special gift for your special someone. Unless you are in a perfect relationship like I am- where my wife said to me, “You don’t have to get me anything for Christmas.”

That is not what I wanted to hear. I’m fairly certain that she’s lying. I’m no good at guessing games. So if she dropped hints all year long- its likely that I missed them.

My wife did however buy herself a few items and give them to me to wrap. I guess not knowing which gift is inside which wrap is good enough? At this stage in life, one may as well buy what they want and gift it to themselves. That way you’re not disappointed and display “Present Face” for those not-so-amazing gifts.

In the past I’ve bought her jewelry she doesn’t wear and craft supplies she doesn’t use. I’ve even picked up kitchen knives and dishes in the past. These are more for everyone, but I throw her name on them so she has something to unwrap.

Yup, Christmas gift giving to my wife has me turning into a husband cliché. I’m not sure how to break the cycle. Maybe one Christmas I’ll nail it. Until then, I wonder how late Walmart is open?

Bad Christmas Jokes

We have a small winter chalkboard hung up in our kitchen. Every year we would write a countdown to Christmas Morning on it. After that would be salutations like “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” Or “HAPPY NEW YEARS“. This year I started it off with a joke instead.

A classic style of dad joke. “The Christmas alphabet has Noel.” Not funny but worthy of a groan. It was up for about a week or so until someone changed it. Still no countdown though. Seems like I may have started a new tradition. Out came another joke.

Why does Santa have a big sack? He only comes once a year.

Oh my. This was written by our 17 year old daughter. I laughed pretty hard at it because it was unexpected. She doesn’t normally tell jokes of this caliber. However, the playing field has been set and the bar is raised. Time to share more Lewdmas humor. I wonder how far these jokes will get.

I Want To Create More Art

I was in my woodshed the other day finding some more pieces to paint like I did two weeks ago (Check them out: Painted Wood).

I don’t have any more pieces with knot holes in them, but I did find some that I could see potential in. So I filled a box and brought them into my home.

A bit of cleaning and making sure they are smoothed out is the next step. After that it’s time to get inspired. Perhaps hours of Christmas music? Or watching favorite Christmas Movies (Gremlins anyone?).

Or maybe just a day off from work and get the time to do that. I’ve been at work too much lately. Hopefully that’ll change soon. Its not the worst thing to happen to me. It’s better than bad, it’s good. LOG!

What was I talking about again?

Paper Straw?

Last night at work for lunch I had A&W. It’s been a very long time since I’ve had food from there. The burger and onion rings were moderately okay. But my drink… I put the straw up to my lips and instantly hated it.

The paper straw gave me goose bumps and an icky feeling. So I couldn’t enjoy my beverage. Two hours later I tried to have another sip and the paper straw was turning into wet sugar pulp. It was as if the straw esophagus was having and allergic reaction to the soda. It began to collapse in on itself.

In the end, I took the lid off with the straw still in the punctured X and threw it in the trash. I didn’t recycle them out of sheer frustration and anger. Immediately I began to hate myself and A&W for ruining my meal.

Never again. No more paper mache in my drinks! I will hunt down a plastic straw wholesaler and stock pile those fish killing plastic death tubes. I know there are glass and metal straws available. But I’m not pretentious enough to carry one of those on my person in a leather satchel like a heroine addict and his kit.

You know what, from now on don’t give me a paper straw or a sippy cup lid (What the heck are those?) I’m just not going to buy fast food drinks any more. I was going to say I’ll just buy bottled water- but that’s bad for the environment too.

There’s no winning. Maybe I should just dehydrate myself like a raisin or a prune.

Up Early On My Day Off. WHY???

I woke up at about three a.m. and have been tossing and turning for two hours. Naturally I tried to go back to sleep. I was laying beside my wife and tried to match her breathing. I almost died. It seriously felt like my body wasn’t getting any oxygen. Maybe that’s how I should fall asleep- stop breathing.

I rolled over and picked up my phone from the nightstand and off to social media I went. Scroll… scroll… scroll… bored. At least I ended up down a rabbit hole of searching WordPress authors. That always makes me happy finding new places to travel and art inspiration. I guess it’s time to write my daily blog.

With this new Apple update I’ve opted for the Dark Mode. I guess it’s better for my eyes and brain, but it hasn’t made staring at my phone less appealing. In fact I was holding the phone in my hands and it fell onto my face. Apparently I’m not the only one who has their phone drop on their faces. I’m done with the day and don’t like that it woke me up so early.

Anyhow, here’s an early morning blog since I’ll probably burn out by afternoon and have no desire to write. Hope you had a good chuckle at my expense. Maybe next time I’ll tell you how I kicked myself in the testicles putting on pants.

The Good Place Memes

My family and I enjoy watching “The Good Place” together. The discussions about moral dilemmas, being good or bad, and philosophy are great. It’s all brought together with humor and some of the best anecdotes ever. Here are some of my favorites.

The term “food holes” is great.

Everyone knows it’s worse than someone being mad at you.

HOLY MOTHER-FORKING SHIRTBALLS!

Ah, the elusive double rainbow of our society.

That last one is just deep.

The newest and final season has begun. I hope you take the time to enjoy the show as much as I have.

Saying Farewell To A Coworker

It’s bittersweet when a coworker leaves. You’re happy for them to be making a change, but upset that they are leaving. Especially if you’ve worked side by side for years.

This week at the railroad is the last for a close friend of mine. It’s going to be hard to say goodbye, so the sarcasm and jokes are already coming out. I wrote a note of “encouragement” on a picture that I had hanging in our office for almost a year.

KC,

Good luck @ KM. You’re only gonna last 3 weeks!

#sixseasonsandamovie

-Joe

He and I had very similar tastes in entertainment. We often had discussions about movies and tv shows. My farewell to him is in reference to the show “Community”. A show we both enjoyed.

In a couple of days, he shall be off to a new adventure. We will still be in contact periodically because our railroad services the company he is moving to. The dynamic will change, but out jokes shall remain the same. I wish him all the best in his new adventure.

Waifu Pillow Talk

Last night I was talking to my family about sleep. The conversation turned to pillows, obviously… I use three pillows. One to rest the side of my head on. One to add weight on top of the blanket. And finally, one that I “cuddle”.

“Cuddle” is the best way to describe it I guess. I either place the pillow between my knees to space out my legs, or I’ll put it half under my chest and place my arm around it. I used to sleep in the fetal position and still do if I’m sick. But the pillow thing is just a comfort feeling.

In the past I have used a body pillow as my “cuddle” pillow. Last night our daughter was asking if I needed a “Waifu Pillow“. Naturally I said sure. Our kids have seen these pillows at Comicons all their lives, so it was no surprise that they know what they are.

The conversation then turned to which “Waifu” I’d want. I think my kids were trying to decipher how pervy their father is when it comes to Anime. So I fed into it. I told them it had to be an anime girl with the biggest breasts and the least amount of clothes.

After quite the lengthy conversation of my kids naming off numerous female anime characters- I have a feeling that this father will be getting a new pillow as a gift one day. Hopefully my wife winger jealous of my future “Waifu.”

Rice Krispies

Once in a while people hear something different than what is being said. This is most common in songs. There are plenty of “misheard” song lyrics out there. Some are a lot of fun and I try and use those instead of the original version.

Sometimes people just aren’t paying attention when they are spoken to causing a miscommunication between both parties. This happened between my wife and I recently. In a rather amusing sort of way.

The other night I was sitting on the couch with her as we were watching tv. We often share statements of love and adoration with each other- more so when one of us needs a little emotional pick up. That night was no different. I looked towards her and spoke some kind words. I said, “You’re sexy.” What she heard however was, “Rice Krispies.”

I became thoroughly amused by this and have now gone on to say “Rice Krispies” as a response when she says something kind to me. This new phrase may run its course in due time, or it could end up a staple in our banter towards one another. Who knows.

But for now I still think she’s “Rice Krispies” and will continue to tell her this.

Angry Heroes

My wife’s favorite Powerpuff Girl is Buttercup. It always has been and always will be.

I think my wife relates to the do-good nature with a bit of attitude that Buttercup expresses. Just a hint of frustration in her tone as she saves the world before bedtime.

One of my wife’s other favorite children’s characters is Oscar the Grouch. My wife has never been a huge fan of The Muppets so it surprised me that she found joy in one of the most iconic characters. I’m not surprised at which character though.

I love my wife very much. She has a personality that can be tough to get to know in the beginning. But many of her coworkers and true friends love her wit and no-nonsense charm. She definitely portrays some of the characteristics of her angry heroes.

Hopefully she won’t be mad at me for sharing this. I guess I’ll find out once she reads it.

Super Easy. Barely an Inconvenience.

My kids have become obsessed with a YouTube channel these days. So much so that they are doing their best to incorporate some of the catchphrases into their daily routine. Which is “super easy, barely an inconvenience” if you ask my children.

Go and check out Screen Rant: Pitch Meetings and enjoy the banter of how your favorite films and tv shows got made. Or rather, a humorous take on how the film was created. Every video shows a “Producer” getting a pitch idea from a “Writer”. Oftentimes pointing out glaring plot holes and lazy movie making. You know, the stuff the studio doesn’t want you to think to hard about.

Whoops

Good YouTube channels are “Tight”. I highly recommend this one. I’ve even rewatched a few of the pitch meetings a couple of times. They are pretty amazing. I can’t wait to see their take on the next Marvel or Star Wars show.

Go and take some of your free time and enjoy Screen Rant. You won’t regret it.

From Monty to Movies

Monty Python is legendary. I have always found their humor to be some of the best in the world. In fact, my kids have also grown to love them. Netflix adding their show and films has made it easy to share once more.

But beyond Monty Python, the actors have done a great deal of other shows and films. One of my favorite films has to be “Brazil” by Terry Gilliam. I saw it when I was younger and fell in love with the crazy dystopian style. I began to digest his other crazy films such as The Fisher King12 MonkeysFear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Gilliam has a way about him that just speaks to me.

I have been waiting for Gilliam’s version of Don Quixote to come out. It has taken 19 years and lots of mishaps for it to finally get a chance to hit the big screen. And even then, there is a one day only screening of it this year in April. So I bought tickets. I suspect only die hard fans of his work will be there. Most likely a dozen other people in a 300 seat auditorium…

But I will be biased and tell you that I am going to love the film whether it is good or not.

Childish Humor

No matter what the circumstances, farts are funny. I’d say most people agree.

I’ve written about farts numerous times. Here are a few examples:

Farts Are Funny

Laughter Language

Cabin Adventures: Day 4

My family, friends and coworkers generally find farts amusing as well. The first time I let out some gas in front of my wife- when we were first dating- I was incredibly embarrassed. Now, she out shines me and puts my farts to shame. Both in sound and odor.

Farting around coworkers or friends is kind of the same. It takes a bit to open up around each other. There is a comfort level that you need to get to with one another prior to the first fart. Once that Pandora’s box is open, there’s no putting it back. It can turn into an all-out gas war. Each trying to out do the other. Or not warning one another and letting the smell do the rest.

When I let one rip in the car with my family, I lock the windows. Trap them inside with an obnoxious gas cloud. But if anyone in my family let’s one rip- all the windows go down even in the winter– to air out the car. Hey, I like to breathe. Plus it’s my car and I can do what I like, right?

Besides getting over the initial embarrassment of breaking wind, farts are the funniest thing ever. We all do it. So why hide it?

Pixie Poo

We’ve all heard stories and fables from our childhood involving Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. We even buy into these tales as adults and pass the legacy onto our children. We also speak of Leprechauns, Hobbits, witches and wizards. But there is one story that isn’t shared as much as it should be.

I’m taking about Pixies.

More specifically, Pixie Poo.

What is “Pixie Poo“?

The answer is quite obvious. Let me explain. The fables were close when they told of Tinker Bell from Peter Pan. As many fairy tales evolved, so did this one. You may think of Pixie Dust as a magical dust the fairies pull out of a vial and spread around to make the world shine.

Nay nay. This be wrong information.

Whenever you go to bed at night, that is when the pixies come out to play. They fly into our homes to check in on us. Gently landing on the bridge of your nose so as not to wake you. Then they roll back your eyelid, ever so slowly, to make sure you are asleep. This is when the magic happens…

A tiny flying fairy standing on your face turns around to uses your eye as a toilet. A sparkly gold and green pixie poop landing on the inside corner right next to your nose. Pixie’s love using a person’s eyeball as a toilet because of the natural moisture produced.

This is the truth about Pixies and their bodily functions. The more poop you find in your eye in the morning means the Pixie chose to give you an extra special night of dreaming.

So may the eye boogers you have be a reminder of the magic that is still out there. And please share my story of the Pixie Poo.