Last night I was looking for a food recipe online. Every single time I clicked on a link, there was a ten page story prior to the recipe being shared. This seems to be the norm when people share recipes it seems.
Not only do I have to read a story about how delicious the homemade spaghetti on a cold winter’s Fourth of July at the cabin was, but I have to endure the pop up ads that take over half the of my phone’s screen. The same ad shows up repeatedly as I scroll endlessly to find the actual recipe.
After three hours of swiping down to the “20 Minute recipe” there still isn’t a list of ingredients. Just a shortened version with the back stories of how a specialty frying pan is made in Singapore or how to tell a tomato is ripened. The directions are smattered amongst these tales making it impossible to tell if this is still the back story.
Then I find the ingredients at the bottom of the page. A list of the basics, like salt and pepper, followed by whatever food corporation is sponsoring that blog. Whyin the world do I need Hellman’s mayonnaise in my taco? Or some really obscure ingredient that makes no sense having in the recipe. Then you take the liver from the koala bear and sauté it in the sap from a gum tree of South Africa. Just like grandma used to make.
Once I substitute a few ingredients, I have to scroll back up to find the directions. The same ones that now have new pop up ads for Tylenol, because the website knows what a headache it was to deal with.
I know I wrote a recipe back in July, about Blueberry Flan. But my story was a single paragraph. Followed by a quick recipe. This is probably why I’ll never write food blogs. Besides, everything would be wrapped in bacon.
It’s hard to admit when you don’t know something. Especially when you really should know something about something. Instead of nothing about something. Which is worse than knowing something about nothing.
I know a lot of nothing. But nothing has stuff to explore which in sense makes it something.
I know nothing. But I try and help. So that’s something.
Ever see an image online that drives you nuts? Like you broke your brain or something. Today I saw an image that did it to me:
Obviously it’s a goat. But I had to second guess myself.
I’m really glad that the one annoying trend from the 90’s hasn’t come back around. Those blurry “Magic Eye” images. I used to get headaches trying to see the hidden pictures. I never could see the schooner.
“You dumb bastard. It’s not a schooner… it’s a Sailboat.”
Today was one of those really busy days off. To quote Mrs. Premise: “Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat.” It feels like all I’ve been doing is hardly making a dent on my projects. Just making more of a mess. Like trying to bury a cat that won’t keep still.
But I’m done for the day. Time to finish up making dinner and vegetate in front of the big screen and watch some shows. It’ll be some relaxing family time tonight in the theater room. Although I’m sure our oldest will be preoccupied with her new iPhone 11.
But some days I’ll take what I can get. Especially as the kids get older.
Facebook loves to share “Memories” when I log in. I’m sure many of you see yours as well (if you still use Facebook). Sometimes I love seeing the old photos or bizarre status updates I once did. I can’t even remember the last status update I did… I also removed all friends a year and a half ago, so no point to update into thin air…
Today Facebook shared with me- my most “Liked” photo of the year 2009. It’s a cute picture of the time my children made a train out of cardboard boxes for me. Having deleted 400+ friends, how many “LIKES” would you say this picture received? 200? 100? 50?
My most “LIKED” photo of 2009 had FIVE likes. For the entire year of 2009. One of which was my wife. I’m not saying this is the greatest photo ever of 2009. But for a person who had a few hundred “Facebook Friends” you’d think that I could get a higher number on any of my photos.
In the end though, looking for satisfaction through other people’s opinions doesn’t equate for the sheer happiness that this photo brought to me personally. My joy isn’t measured in numbers from other people clicking a thumbs up for me.
Its part of the reason I don’t try and sell myself or this blog. Sharing personal stories is for my mental well being. And in the end- that matters most.
Today I finally put new tires on my 2016 Rogue. It’s hard to fork over about a thousand dollars for four tires. But if I can go 3.5 years on them. Not too shabby.
I was really tired having to go in to Costco this morning after a night shift in order to get my tires installed So I went for a walk to keep myself from deflating before I needed to go home. I was pumped when they called me to tell me the car was ready earlier than planned- as I was exhausted.
Enough puns, as you can see- the tire on the left was my old one. Hardly any grip remained. I kept them in case I wanted racing slicks. Actually we kept the old tires for use in our garden. We wheel will be planting some potatoes and other root vegetables in them. It makes for easier removal of the vegetables when they are ready to harvest. Or so Pinterest tells me.
I don’t want to hang around this post anymore. I’ll try and swing some better content tomorrow. So I guess this is end. Sorry if it fell flat.
I love making sandwiches. I mentioned how much we love Bread yesterday. Making sandwiches is the best part of eating bread. Like most people, I also do the following when making sandwiches:
I leave my knife on the edge of the sink while I go and eat my meal. You know, just in case I want to make another sandwich. Because clearly, I know that my sandwich is a work of art that I may want to duplicate and enjoy a second time. Although, it is rare for me to make a second sandwich for myself.
My children also do this. But they leave the knife there until someone else puts it in the dishwasher. That’s a tad bit frustrating.
Are you guilty of leaving a knife on the edge of the sink? Don’t lie. I know most of you are.
Last week I wrote briefly about Saturday Morning Cartoons. Those cartoons were generally pretty abysmal in the animation style and story telling. A comment was made about the show “He-Man” and looking back on that show (which was a favorite of mine back in the day) it was pretty bad. The character names were barely thought through. He-Man, Skeletor, Evil-Lyn, Man-E-Faces, Clawful… seriously no effort.
Over the past week I began singing a song from another 80’s tv show.
Look at what’s happened to me I can’t believe it myself Suddenly I’m up on top of the world It should have been somebody else
Believe it or not, I’m walkin’ on air I never thought I could feel so free Flyin’ away on a wing and a prayer Who could it be? Believe it or not it’s just me…
Yup. The theme for 1981’s Greatest American Hero. I saw that it was on Amazon Prime last week. So yesterday I attempted to watch the pilot episode. Oh Em Gee… not good.
Again, was no thought put into the premise of the show? The writers stole ideas from everything from the late 70’s/early 80’s.
First let’s start off with a teacher in charge of a group of “Special Education” students ala Welcome Back, Kotter. Follow it up in a few minutes with a visit from a UFO with a scene that looks like it came from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Suddenly we are in a buddy cop show. Then we top it off with Superman. Which the show references at least three times, including the fact that the female lead looks like Lois Lane.
People in charge of entertainment in the early 80’s were something else. Even video games in the early 80’s were bizarre- Frogger and Joust come to mind. Greatest American Hero is written as if the writer’s room threw darts at every possible genre and generated 44 episodes of a show that really has no place to be.
My day off was completely wasted on a bunch of nothingness. Sure I played about two hours of video games with my wife this morning. Afterwards I helped the kids with some yardwork for about thirty minutes before the weather turned. I also dyed my daughter’s hair for her. But that was it.
Allergies kicked my butt today. Probably due to the change in air pressure and the rain mixing with pollen. But I had all these ideas to make some tasty treats while the weather was poor. Instead I took some allergy medicine and promptly went to bed. For a few hours…
Now I’m awake and it’s almost dinner time. My wife will be done working shortly and she’ll ask what I did all day. I can’t lie to her… because she works from home and knows exactly what I did today. It’s a silly game having her ask me that question. Honestly, I’m just unmotivated and will be looking forward to going back to bed tonight- hoping that my allergies will be better tomorrow.
Oh, and sorry about the “Bear Memes” I was too lazy to add any real substance to my story today. And pandas are always cute when they’re lazy. So I’m hoping my laziness is also cute. I barely (or should I write “bearly”? ) wanted to even blog.
I was thinking about something while driving into North Vancouver on my regular commute a few weeks back. I thought it to be funny as an observational humor moment involving masks. All because of a few rear view mirrors.
Then yesterday, I happened upon this image on Instagram. I chortled pretty loudly to myself as it was exactly what I’ve been thinking for weeks. I’m sure many of you are seeing this trend as well.
Now, I’ve heard people crack jokes about drivers being solo in a car but still wearing a mask. A driver could be wearing a mask for many reasons. Maybe they make multiple stops. Or perhaps they just dropped someone off or are about to pick someone up. Or maybe they simply forgot they had it on. But the reality is, the less a person touches their mask, the less chance they have of inadvertently making themselves sick.
Humor me and wear a mask people. It is a good idea to keep one in your car as well. By all means- throw a spare on your rear view mirror. You won’t be alone, take a look around.
Yesterday morning I decided that a great way to start my day would be eating a big bowl of Cheerios in milk. In all my years of eating breakfast and growing big and strong, I knew that in order to really enjoy a bowl of Cheerios I had to be the first to eat a bowl from the new box.
I also knew that once I opened a fresh box and poured out the cereal- I’d have to act quickly in order to enjoy these little, round, mini oat donuts. The spoon needed to be at the ready inside the bowl, underneath it’s first scoop. The bowl of cereal had to be on my dining table waiting patiently. And only then, would the milk be added.
Then I shovel those crunchy, (what I assume is sawdust and glue infused) oat circles into my mouth as quick as possible. Like an Olympic swimmer, you have to plan your breathing and time it between scoops. I eat my Cheerios so fast that the milk barely has time to penetrate their inner circles.
Within seconds, the bowl is filled with nothing but a milky desert sand coloured liquid. No more bites. Now to drink!
Do you tilt the bowl and continue on the animalistic path of slobbery? Or do you elegantly utilize your spoon and savor the new milk?
If you chose “tilt the bowl” you are my kind of cereal connoisseur. Like a kid rushing to be ready for school- one needs to get this meal in the body as fast as possible. No one likes soggy cereal and thick milk.
I’m older now. And after yesterday’s breakfast- much wiser. It turns out my adult body doesn’t like milk the same way as it once did. Turns out that scarfing down a bowl of oat cereal can upset my tummy tumtum. What I once enjoyed in the bowl- now upsets my bowel.
I can safely say that I am ready to move on. I shall no longer eat bowls of cereal with milk. Even if it’s the first bowl of freshly opened cereal. The best bowl.
Who needs an enema when you can have a big hearty bowl of Cheerios to clean you out… And clear out a room.
My buddy at work and I were talking about weekend plans. I said I usually go into the weekend without much in the way of plans. He pointed out that I build something almost every weekend. Looking back at the past few weeks, he isn’t wrong.
I’ve done numerous things around the house as well, finishing off floors, painting rooms, building an Axe Throwing Pitch, and trying out various baking. I’m always busy even without planning it. I hadn’t really noticed. I just like to make stuff.
My buddy was laughing and we talked about how if a tree fell in my yard, I’d end up carving out a canoe. What would be more Canadian than carving out a canoe? It got me thinking about an old Canadian TV show- The Frantics and their character, Mr. Canoehead.
The Frantics starred four Canadian comedians, one of which was Rick Green, who many know as the duct tape guy from the Red Green show. But I also remember he did a talk show in the early nineties called, Prisoners of Gravity. This show was like the early days of video podcasts. His character was stuck in a space station, as an escapee of Earth exploring the issues examined in science fiction/fantasy literature and comics.
One of my favorite episodes was when he talked to the creators of The Watchmen comics. That really got me into the idea that comics are an art form that can be enjoyed by adults. This show was before ComicCons and superhero movies really took over our lives.
But I digress. I don’t have the talent to carve out a canoe. No matter what you might think. I’ll just continue to tinker and build stuff for fun and share my stories. And be a nerd along the way.
“Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got. Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.”
Okay… So it’s Thursday today. Many people do a Throwback Thursday post on various social media platforms. I think it’s time to go waaaaaayyy back. It’s time to do a mental reset for everyone. Especially adults who’ve forgotten the simpler things in life. Where this was the hardest question to answer as a child:
What is your favorite dinosaur?
I began asking everyone this question yesterday, continuing into today. And I mean everyone. To my surprise there are two types of people who answer. Those who answer quickly, and those who get confused by the question.
The ones who answer quickly are usually the ones who have small children in their lives. Either their own kids or grandkids. The other ones who have to think about it- do not have kids. The second group is also weirded out that I ask. And many do not remember anything about dinosaurs.
Just for fun, here’s the top five answers adults give me:
That is also pretty much the order of most popular to least. I had some people answer by describing the dinosaurs to me. Reaching way down into their memory banks of what these creatures once looked like. (That one with horns like a rhino… The one with a club tail… the dinosaur with a long neck). I also got into deep conversations with some about dinosaurs, museums, children, etc. This simple question opened up conversations.
My request for all of you out there- start conversations today with, “Mind if I ask you a question? What’s your favorite dinosaur?” You will be glad you did.
My daughter asked me a unique question the other day that I was unable to answer her immediately. She asked, “If you could give a motivational speech, what would you say?” This question was heavier than I expected. I had to think this one over.
Naturally I told her that I’d let her know. But she had me thinking about it all night. At least my daughter told me that I was inspiring with the majority of my blog posts. Hopefully she’s been reading my blogs! She’s also extremely intelligent and has a knack of reading people… just like her father.
Yes, she played me.
My daughter knew that in order to win me over she needed to “show” that she reads my blogs. Of course I do my best to be inspirational with what I write. Sometimes I write about my children and their achievements. Because their success is my success. I also love to write about the beauty in the world, even when it’s really tough to see it.
Even in my positivity, I have a dark side to my humor. I love to let it out and surprise people with my crudeness. Last night was no exception.
Our family sat around and played Cards Against Humanity. One of my favorite games for all the right reasons. It’s rude, vulgar, and downright funny to see our teenagers try and out do each other in the punchlines. Or try and play disturbing cards to gross each other out.
Like I mentioned though, I am good at playing people. I play the cards that I know will win based on each of their sense of humor. The first round was an easy win for me. The second round, the family started to use my technique against me. But it was more fun to see them strategize on who played what cards.
Cards Against Humanity has been humoring me for years now. We’ve seen it at conventions and I’ve bought into special edition cards that support a sort of anarchy. I’ve even shared the game with others and gotten them hooked on it. Evil, pure evil.
My motivational speech? It would have to be titled, “Play to the gallery.” Where every time I had to give a speech, I’d tell people what they want to hear.
I like to think I’m still youthful and carefree as I hit my mid-forties. But as much as my mind likes to think so, my body says otherwise.
From my ankles to my arms, it seems my pain receptacles like to remind me that they are still working. Muscle aches, joint pains, even skin irritations. Everything just hurts a tad bit more than it once did. Or maybe I’m just noticing it more often.
The hardest part about being over two meters tall and with mild scoliosis is the constant back pain. I mean constant. I can’t find a comfortable way to sit or sleep. Just as I feel like I’m going to relax, my lower back screams in its best Samuel Jackson impression, “NOPE! Wake Up Mother-!”
I have a little machine that takes a 9V battery. I call it “The Zotter”. It’s an electronic acupuncture and it helps to relieve most of my pains. Perhaps I should also try doing more yoga once more. Stretch those muscles. Or whatever people do when they Yoga.
There’s no way to avoid the pain. It’s just how to deal with it. I feel like yelling at the pain Get off my lawn!
Today I felt a bit older than I usually do. Not because of back pain or remembering when the internet became mainstream. I felt old because of my hair.
My wife stopped and asked me if I had scratched my face beside my mouth. Then she looked closer and said, “Nevermind, must’ve been the shadow of your facial hair in your wrinkles.” Ouch lady. Wrinkles?
Afterwards I went to brush my teeth and a hair fell from my head into the sink. Ugh. Time to take closer examination of my head. Ear hair? Check. Nose hair? Check. Wrinkles? Depends on the facial expression. We’ll go with Check. Receding hairline? My forehead definitely looks big- Check. Finally… grey hair? Please say it’s blonde, please say it’s blonde….
Nope. That’s a few strands of grey showing up. Not what I wanted to see.
Or perhaps I should look at the grey as a Silver Lining. A showcase of the life I’ve lived so far. And those wrinkles? That’s from all the smiling I’ve done from years of laughter. Nose hair and ear hair? Ok, those are just gross to see- time to trim. But the rest shouldn’t make me feel old. I should feel accomplished.
And I guess I do. Sometimes it just takes a closer look at one’s life to see past the image of oneself. Thanks hair. You’ve shown me a lot more today than I expected. Now stop falling out.
With everything going on in the world, it’s good to have some humor once in a while. And with today being April Fool’s Day, what better day to have some laughs? Since the kids are staying home due to the Covid19 epidemic, they have been enjoying not going to school. Time to change that.
I came home after my night shift at about 7am. I promptly went upstairs and woke up our two youngest teens. I told them they were late for school and it was time to get up. Naturally, they weren’t quite believing me as I rushed back down the stairs. A few seconds later, I hurriedly went back to their rooms and told them they had to get going.
My son rolled over in bed and flat out said, “There’s no school dad. Nice try.” My response was, “The school sent an email that it was back on.” And with that statement- it got him out of bed.
I kept them rushing around as I asked what they wanted for breakfast and in their lunches. Then I told them to pack their bags and instruments, because we were late for music class. That got my daughter confused and she rushed back upstairs. She passed my son as he was hurdling back down fully dressed. This must’ve lit a fire in her, because she was dressed and downstairs again within five minutes.
I had their breakfast at the table with a cup of coffee for each of them. I sat down across from them and joined them. That’s when my son asked about his other older sister and I lied saying she had to work and because of that commitment she would miss the first day back to school. My daughter then asked what’s going on. And I said, “It’s April First. You know what that means.”
You could see it click inside. “April Fools. Nice one dad.” And she laughed. My son complained that he should still be in bed for three more hours. At least I know now that the kids can hustle and be ready to leave in ten minutes.
This was a great “Dad Joke” April Fools Day prank.
March 15,1976: A self proclaimed hero was born in Halifax Nova Scotia. He came screaming into the world not knowing what was in store for him. Except naps. Lots of naps. Little did he know that his adventures would continue to the other coast of the country.
Here he is, 44 years later. A hero to his family, friends and coworkers. His superpowers include hyper kindness, magnified positivity, ultra attentive listening, and height. All of which he tries to showcase regularly. All of which makes him more than just a man.
He has a loving wife and kids. A good job with good pay. Friends who reach out and show that they care as well. Looking at his life- he should be happy. And he is. Today is his birthday and it marks one more revolution around the sun. One more notch on his superhero belt.
I couldn’t feel super if it wasn’t for everybody in my life. Thank you everyone for always being gracious and fun. that’s the best gift I can get on a daily basis.
There’s nothing worse than trying to get your thoughts out and you stumble upon your words. You just sit there, struggling to say what you need to say. Feeling like your stupidity is exposed.
Then people try and come to your rescue. They try and complete your sentences or thoughts. Sometimes they’re right, most of the time they’re not. But your words just won’t come out, so you accept theirs as the ones you wanted to say.
Afterwards you wonder- what’s wrong with your mind? And is this a regular occurrence? Am I getting stupid as I get older? Are other people really that much smarter than me?
Yes to all.
But that’s okay. Being stupid means that the expectations can be lower. Time to embrace the dumb! You can call me “Slow Joe” from now on.
I’ve always enjoyed Monty Python since I was a teenager. And ever since then I can remember quoting their songs, tv show bits and movies. What I find beautiful about that style of comedy is that they can make fun of the reality we live in and endure, but bring a smile and laugh to the audience.
Of course some of the songs seem pointless and ridiculous. While others try and cheer you up. Some of the humor pokes fun at the government and that in itself is timeless- “Help! I’m being repressed!”
And yeah, lately life has been a bit tough. Lots of stresses being placed on me and the members of my family. From work to school to speed skating and beyond- it’s not always easy to get through each day. But I try. We try. Finding bits of joy and humor helps a lot. Monty Python wit is appreciated.
So remember, when you’re feeling very small and insecure, How amazingly unlikely is your birth; And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere out in space, ‘Cause there’s bugger all down here on Earth!
It’s almost my birthday and that meant it was time to get my Driver’s License renewed. It’s been five years since the last time. I swear that besides changing my address over the years- since I was 17 none of my vitals have changed. Or at least the Licensing place never changes the height and weight information.
This afternoon I went to the ICBC Driver’s Licensing Center expecting a long wait to get my new photo id. Instead, I was in and out of there so quick that I didn’t have time to get one last picture of my old license. I walked right up to the counter and was quickly ushered to where my picture would be taken and boom I was out the door.
Perhaps getting my new five year picture after a night shift wasn’t the best idea. I saw the black and white photo for a second and it definitely looks like I’m a criminal. But I also realize that my I.D. is rarely pulled out, so who cares what I look like. In fact most people don’t look at the image, just the address.
This is also the first time that I’ve not had to pay extra for any speeding tickets. I’ve been good- I swear. I’ll behave for the next five years too. Really…
We have three teenagers in our home. They are witty, intelligent and caring of others. They are also moody, self absorbed and lazy. Not knowing which attribute we will see around the house is a fun game. A game I am not always prepared to play.
The worst part of this game is as a parent, I’ll ask a question of them. A question that I’m not expecting an answer to. More a rhetorical question that I want them to think about. As I grow older I realize that this is a typical “Dad Thing” to do. And my kids do the typical “Teenage Thing” as a response.
Here we see an example of what our kids love to do. They don’t quite use up everything. Just enough that they leave it for someone else to find/replace/change/throw out… a roll of toilet paper with one square… A carton of juice with five drops left… Sour cream with half a spoonful remaining… When I ask, “Who finished…?” I get the usual, “Not Me.” And sometimes, “It’s not empty…”
If I didn’t have to supply nourishment to them, there are some days I’d leave the fridge barren to prove a point. which I am tempted to do this weekend. Leave some lemon juice, a yogurt, pickled pepperoncinis, salad dressings and condiments- see how well they’d survive before asking for real food.
The joys of being a parent to three teenagers brings out my immaturity.
I’m a fan of living life for the sheer enjoyment of it. I have never taken myself that seriously. I don’t think anyone else takes me too seriously either. How could you?
Some days I dress based on how I feel. Be it a superhero or a goofball. I don’t think I have one set look. Jeans and a t-shirt is my comfort zone I guess. But I can still dress elegantly when I want.
When I take selfies with friends and family- I bring out some fun in their hearts as well. I love seeing people smile and express a bit more of their crazy side.
Even the few celebrities that I’ve taken pictures with have enjoyed that I don’t need to be uncomfortable or serious. The biggest constant in who I am is that I’m ever changing. Monty Python sang it best:
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true You’ll see it’s all a show Keep ’em laughing as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you
Sometimes my humor is a bit, how should I say this, bizarre.? Worse yet, it rubs off on people and they run with it.
Meet Arthur: The Office Moth.
He became an office mascot by accident. Back in the summer, we had an infestation of moths at my work. Naturally, I killed a few. But one stayed, um, “stuck” to a whiteboard. He remained there for ages and no one cleaned him off. Instead, a coworker made a Tinder profile for him because he seemed lonely squashed there. Shortly before Christmas, the artwork began.
Arthur became a tree topper for our Christmas tree.
And on New Year’s he celebrated with a party hat and balloons.
My coworkers and I have talked about the next stages of Arthur. How we are looking forward to Valentines Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and evening Easter. (Maybe Arthur can pull a Jesus moment and come back to life!)
But in all seriousness, it has made for some lighthearted jokes around the office. It helps to ease the stress of how crazy work can get.
Oh yeah, he got his name from “The Tick” which is filled with zany adventures which fit perfectly with our Office Moth artwork.
The roaring 20’s have begun! I’m excited about this decade and I don’t really know why. But today is starting off sunny compared to the torrential downpour yesterday. So at least that’s a good start. Oh and I’m going to take a nap as well.
Pretty sure the kids will nap as well. They were up all night long watching High School Musical films with their friends.
I’m also impatiently waiting for next year so I can make a bunch of Dad Jokes about 2020. That’s what really matters. Puns and jokes. And maybe less cursing. Those are next year’s resolutions because I forgot to make some for this year.
Are you ready for 2020? What are your aspirations and resolutions?