I always try and be a positive thinker. I do my best to be supportive of family and friends. It appears that is not always the case. As great a job as I think I am doing, in someone else’s eyes, I failed them.
Our oldest recently moved out a few months ago. I received an email from them yesterday outlining and unloading a lot of thoughts. Turns out they felt I was not a supportive parent. They told me they were afraid to talk to me about pretty much anything. They also said I destroyed their childhood because in their eyes I did the bare minimum of parenting. The hardest part about hearing this is the fact that they have run off to live with the one person who I felt was ruining their life back in high school. I was vocal then about him, and I’m still of the same opinion.
I always had a tough time communicating with our oldest as they hit the teenage years. My expectations of who I thought they could be were always high. Probably unrealistically so, hence why I may have appeared to be a terrible father in their eyes when I became angry with their shortcomings and inactions. Specifically in school when they willingly chose to fail classes and lie to my wife and I about it. Again, the friend they are currently living with is the one who constantly brought down their grades.
As an individual, my kid is entitled to have these feelings towards me. A part of me is not surprised by how they feel- as I could sense that there was a division happening in our relationship over the years. I even took counseling on how to improve communication with your kids. That worked periodically, but our oldest always had a way of derailing conversations and becoming silent.
Needless to say, the relationship with my oldest is at an impasse. I will leave the ball in their court and hope that one day they can see more of the positive aspects of our relationship. I also hope the secrecy and destructiveness their friend is creating in their life will end. Looking back at my youth, I know I made some poor friend choices and ignored my parent’s well wishes.
Parenting is tough and it hurts to be viewed as a villain. Unloading this today in my blog is not my normal and joyous thoughts. It’s the gritty hard truths that build up into something to overcome and create a positive action from.
Around this time every year, I am not the nicest person. I’m especially shitty towards my family. Unfortunately I usually catch myself after I have said or done something hurtful to them.
I have a tough time on a day like today- which would’ve been my father’s birthday. My crummy behavior sprouts up around this time every year and goes until the end of November.
November 25 is the date to be precise- that was the day my father passed away in 2000. Mentally, every year on that date is like a sigh of relief for me. I suddenly can become whole again.
Even though I am aware and acknowledge my shittiness, I still end up overreacting at some of the simplest things. It’s like a couple months of male PMS and I really hate that I am like this. So if I’m a jerk to you (especially my family) please forgive me. I don’t get seasonal depression. I get seasonal asshole.
Sometimes you just need to let out a cry. One of those deep, sobbing, flush your heart of pain kind of cries. During the cry- it sucks. Emotions are suddenly overwhelming every sense in your body.
Afterwards, you feel good- almost empty. And no one hates you for doing it. No one judges you for letting the pain get expelled. We all go through it. Sometimes there is no clear reason as to why the tears kick in. But it happens.
Fighting back the tears doesn’t help. Doing that can make the feelings worse. And sharing why you hurt isn’t always easy. But take solace in knowing you are not alone, even if it feels like it.
Whether you know me personally or through this crazy cyberspace world. I have bad days and need to share sometimes. I also have good days that I keep to myself.
As I write my blogs, I have been doing my best to remain positive. Writing about positive vibes is one of the reasons for my blog. It helps to bring my mental health into a good place. I’m not perfect, but over the past few years I’ve been trying to improve myself and those around me.
Who I was as a teenager or young adult is not who I am today. I’ve taken a look back at who I was and have noticed a huge shift in my mental well-being. As well as how I engage with others. I have also needed to remove people from my life if I have felt they are doing more harm than good in this world.
My life, and what I write, is freely shared out there. I welcome feedback- both positive and constructive. I don’t mind an opposing viewpoint. But sometimes rude and negative comments are shared.
It leaves me with a decision to make- Ignore the comment? Engage in a debate/argument? Or delete the comment? I know that I have the upper hand- I have the power to chose how I will engage. I take a day or two for my thoughts to deal with the negativity.
So how do you deal with negative people? Is it worth it to be a jerk to others just to engage in toxic behavior? Not for me.
Lately I’ve felt as if my existence is inconsequential. I’m floating through life day to day without making a mark. Work treats me like another number that can easily be replaced or removed. I feel as if the company doesn’t value what I bring to the table after a dozen years of service. I keep going because I like getting a paycheck. That’s sort of important I guess.
At home, our kids are busy being teenagers wrapped up in their own lives. With our oldest graduating this year from high school, our youngest working towards his speed skating goals, and our middle trying to figure out where she fits in in this world- daddio here takes the back burner. I’m easily ignored and forgotten about.
I also haven’t interacted with my friends in ages either. Everyone is busy being adults nowadays that it gets tough to get together. I’m not even sure what’s going on in their lives anymore since I don’t follow anyone on Facebook. Almost a year ago I thought the right thing to do for my Mental health was remove everyone. Now it feels lonely and a dreaded feeling of FOMO has crept in.
Perhaps today I just needed to vent and air out what I’m thinking. Feeling small and insignificant is a sensation I know many of you have felt as well. Usually I’m pretty positive and upbeat. Sometimes happy just doesn’t happen. This too shall pass, right?
But, uh, everything’s perfectly all right now. We’ re fine. We’re all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?
Today would’ve been my father’s birthday. Over the years I’ve been trying different ways to remember the good in him. Which has been difficult when the bad memories were more impactful. From September 19 (My father’s birthday) to November 25th (the date he passed away) I’m not a pleasant person to be around at home. I’ve been consciously making different choices in my life to try and be a better person each and every day.
For two years in a row I grew a beard. It made me look like him. I was thinking of making it a tradition, but last year my family pushed hard and made me feel bad that I grew facial hair. I’m not sure why, but I’d rather not have bitterness thrown at me from those whom I care about. So no beard planned this year.
Last year I did “Sober September” and this year I’m trying as well. I had a couple of beers once this month and felt instant shame in myself for being weak. The reason is my father drank heavily and I worry that the trait runs deep in my genes. Especially when I look back at most of my Instagram posts and see a lot of beer in my hands.
Obviously I’d love to say that I am in control of my drinking, but am I? I come home from work and would like a beer with dinner. I have days off and want to see friends which generally brings up drinking. Maybe this year I’ll try not drinking from September 19 to November 25th. Do the complete opposite of what my father would do. Maybe only then can I push the negative out of my mind and bring out the positive memories.
I sure don’t want to end up like him- sour, angry and dead by age 58. That doesn’t appeal to me. I want to be a better person.
I know I’m a better person. I just need to remind myself from time to time.
Like many people who have a job- I fall victim to being negative about work. Not all the time mind you- but enough that I have to stop myself from continuing my negativity. Be it comments about the job, coworkers, bosses, other companies- there is oftentimes something irritating that starts the ball rolling.
Speaking negatively consumes everyone around. Just like school bullies being loud and obnoxious towards someone. There are some people who sit idly by and just let the rant go on. Or while others stay quiet on the sidelines, the rest join in. And the complaints get louder and more personal. Until stories or gossip fill people’s minds with a “new truth” about whatever the gripe is about.
I want to remain positive in all aspects of my life. But it can be really tough when work can strike an ego blow. Using my blog as a way to bring forth my acknowledgment of my feelings and actions has become beneficial in my mental wellbeing. Doing something to hinder my negativity in public is the new challenge. Time to stop ranting and raving all the hatred.
So last Friday I wasn’t feeling great and took a day in bed. Reflecting back on it, I had a day of depression. Me. A man who is always chill. The guy who is ready to be nice to everyone. The dude who abides.
I had a bad day.
My bad day began the day before. It really shouldn’t have, but it did. I started my days off by taking a nap post night shift. I was supposed to meet some friends and a coworker for a beer later on Thursday evening. However, my coworker was called into work and my friends had forgotten/ or had difficulty making it out due to weather. I struggled on and went out for a beer by myself. Talk about taking one for the team.
Having a beer by myself wasn’t a big deal. I made a plan and I stuck to it. However, as I was out, I got really irritated by a few women that were at the brew house. It wasn’t their fault. They just spoke really mean about the people they knew and did it in a loud voice. *Lucky* for me I was sitting at the table next to them minding my own business- but eavesdropping on them without much choice. It made me sad that all they wanted to do was complain and share hatred about their lives.
After only having a couple beers while I was out I decided it was time to go home. At home, I ended up drinking another beer and calling it a night. But the thoughts of how mean these ladies were talking about their “friends” stuck with me as I fell asleep. That third beer made me bitter.
I woke up the following day feeling like crap emotionally. So I stayed in bed and proceeded to sleep off and on throughout the day. But the bitter pit stayed in me. It took me the entire day to shake it off.
People can have a profound effect on one another. Knowingly or unknowingly. I don’t know why I felt so bad after hearing these strangers talk. But I did.
Drowning out the negative is difficult to do. Moving forward I will continue to try and remain positive- both in how I live and act. Perhaps my little bit of positivity can make the world a better place.