There comes a time in every person’s life when they pose the question, “Just what the heck am I thinking?”
I’ve had those moments all too often in my life. Looking back, I can see how I’ve learned from them. But in the heart of the juncture, I can’t always see the results. Or whether they will turn out good or bad.
So I’m here. About to make a big decision in life and I don’t know what the future holds. I desperately desire a perfect result. Or I can just go on being and living my life the way it is. Only time will tell if it was the right choice or not.
One thing is certain- I will be asking, “What am I thinking?”
No not the app. But the numerous Clocks in my house. All ticking away noisily as I sit at my dining room table alone. No one is awake yet. Even the outdoors are calm today.
Listening to the clicks and tings of my home as it wakes up is eerie. The sound of the heat slowly kicking in and a half dozen clocks mark each passing moment. As if my home is one large clock with many tiny clocks inside. And I’m just a cog going ‘round.
All the while these sounds are filling my mind with the idea that I’m flittering my time away. Staring blankly at my phone as I scroll through my latest newsfeed. Passing time until the next moment.
I love creating art. I think I make decent art things. But I’m also hard on myself and find all the flaws where I could have done better. What’s worse is I enjoy showing it off to people, but I don’t take compliments very well.
My art of choice varies on my moods and the seasons. I’ve always been crafty and creative. This time of year I enjoy carving pumpkins. I can’t wait to get my hands on some and let the creative juices flow! I’m also excited about showcasing my costume. I’m a bit worried that the more I talk about it, the less it will be amazing when I show it off.
I don’t want to show it off quite yet, but I also want some advice on a few parts of it. Argh. Silly brain isn’t being helpful. I’m sure people will tell me it looks good, but I want better than that!
Ack. Argh. Ugh. Just take the compliment Joe. It’ll be fine.
Another Monday has come and gone. It’s just One Day.
One Day Monday.
A single use day which never comes back. One Day that starts the week. The week that we all look forward to the ending of. Only to start the cycle again. Monday starts with a push to get through the week.
But why? It’s only Monday. I think we need to stop fearing Monday. Stop racing through the day. Enjoy the day a bit more. Take a few extra seconds to sip a coffee or read a new article. We need to take Monday back.
Today I had a “Don’t F*cking Talk To Me” kind of day. I wasn’t having a bad day. I just had no desire to interact with humans. The little interactions I have had were short and one word answers. That was most of my day. Plus I got two naps.
So why did I want to be left alone?
There’s a lot on my mind lately. There is some maintenance to be done in our home. The kids are reaching their year end at school. Property taxes and summer vacation are on the horizon. And pretty much everything in between. All jumbled and swirling in my head that I don’t know where to start. So I needed a “Don’t F*cking Talk To Me” day.
I am going to move past this. Llike the old adage says, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” That’s my life at the moment. I had my time of inner reflection.
Some days it feels like all I’m doing is putting on a show for others to watch. It also feels like they tune in when they’re bored…
Give ’em an act with lots of flash in it
And the reaction will be passionate
I’m not sure why people love to complain. I enjoy doing it from time to time. I even get worked up over ridiculous things. Like people who don’t use coasters for drinks. That came from when I was five and we were visiting my aunt and uncle outside of Connecticut. I got yelled at for putting a glass on their glass dining room table at breakfast. Man. The little things that make you who you are…
Give ’em the old hocus pocus
Bead and feather ’em
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?
Stringing together a story all the while hiding what I’m really trying to say. There comes a point in almost all of my stories that I am deliberately talking about someone whom I know reads these. It’s not always obvious who I’m speaking of- especially when I mesh together aspects of different people in my life.
What if your hinges all are rusting?
What if, in fact, you’re just disgusting?
I’ve gotten to a point in my life that I don’t much care for all the negativity out there. I’ve also come to the realization that I don’t want sexist attitudes and racism around me or my family. There comes a time that you have to choose what kind of role model you need to be. Hiding sexism or racism behind “humorous” images is deplorable. I don’t need it in my life. I really don’t need to have my children think that I’m like that either. I can’t tell them to do the right thing if either I myself or a “friend” is chauvinistic and sexist. I want my son to be a gentleman and my daughters to expect courtesy and respect.